my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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