the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
