Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
