when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
