We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She needs sedatives and a leash
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
