I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
