the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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