Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
