Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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