what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
