For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
