Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
