2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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