Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
