But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
