I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
