Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
