Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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