but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
