ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
please come you make the beer taste better
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
