girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I won't apologize to a one balled man
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
