She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
