Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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