Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
