K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
