kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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