quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My ass is underappreciated
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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