I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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