once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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