"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
