we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
