So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
