I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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