I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
