fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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