____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
