why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
