Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My bed smells like the plague
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
