How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
