just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
