Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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