My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
