I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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