I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
