i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
