I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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