just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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