How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
