there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
