My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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