I hate your face
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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